In our American culture, when a loved one dies and a surviving family member fails to show much overt emotion it’s often said, “He’s taking it so well!” It is often considered a mark of strength to hold back our tears, suppress our grief, grit our teeth and pretend that the loss is not all that great. Of course, many times there is a kind of emotional numbness, which seems to protect our psyche from overwhelming sorrow. This delays the intense grief when perhaps one’s feeling can be talked and cried out in a more gradual fashion. However, denying and delaying the grief process is often aided by well meaning plysicians who prescribe minor tranquilizers and sleeping pills too generously, thus further suppressing the normal grief processes. Even pastors and friends may discourage crying over the loss of a loved one as somehow unchristian, especiaily if the deceased one was a believer in Christ. We say that the loved one is “home with the Lord now” so we can be happy for him or her. That’s true, of course, but some go so far as to say it’s being self centered, or feeling sorry for oneself to be sorrowing over the loss of a loved one.
This process seems to “set up” the surviving family members. for what we might call a delayed grief reaction, characterized by various degrees of sadness, depression, or loneliness, which can go on a year or more. The “delay” can cause a more intense sadness or even a major depression, especially around the “anniversary” of the loved one’s death. Dr. Aaron Lazarre of Harvard Medical School says that 10 to 15% of the people coming to their clinic for counseling suffer from these delayed grief reactions.
When I was a boy of 3, my father died rather suddenly of acute bulbar polio. I was not allowed to attend the funeral, and don’t recall ever seeing my mother or others showing any tears. I grew up lonely and despondent but it was not until the loss of my stepfather almost 30 years later that I grieved the loss of my own father. My pastor and chaplain greatly comforted me by sensing my intense grief and allowing me to talk, pour out my sorrow. This became a major healing and growth experience for me.
What is a heathy, normal pattern of sorrowing over the loss of a loved one? There are several patterns of grieving, some being complicated by the fact that many times the family members have some negative or ambivalent feeling about the one who died. In these frequent situations it is best if the surviving family members can talk with each other freely, sometimes with the guidance of others, about various memories and feelings. In some cases the spouse, for example, may even feel relief that the alcoholic, violence-prone lusband is gone and they feel guilty for having such feelings. Dealing with grief takes time and a mature listening ear from those who seek to comfort them. A hand held in prayer or an arm around the shoulder of the one grieving can be very effective in permitting the relcase of much pent-up emotion.
Scripture offers health patterns for what we might call “Biblical grieving.” Genesis 50, Deuterononny 34:8 and John 11 are suggestions for further study. Christians can understand “good grief” as a healthy expression of sorrow and love, with emotional and spiritual growth as a result!
Robert W. Miner,
